Hilarious and touching and … wait, Leonardo viciously murdered Shredder to protect your pizza?

Jesus, he stabbed him and then snapped his neck? I don’t even want to know what he ended up doing with the body afterwards. I would have been crying too kid.

My latest Cracked article ran today, The 16 Most Bafflling Pieces of Official Merchandise Ever. If you follow me, you probably like me, and if you like me, you’ll probably like this, so yeah, logically you should check it out.

Anyway, I’m pretty happy with it overall but there is one entry that has been getting a lot of comments about some missed joke opportunities and I can’t help but agree. The entry in question is the header of the article, The Star Trek Ninja Turtles as seen below:

Now, these posts are normally entries that got deleted from published Cracked articles but this time around I’m doing something different. See, what I wrote for this entry is completely different from what actually got published. I know why it got changed, it was too long and not in the proper format, but I thought it was really funny so for this Cracked Deleted scene, I give you the Star Trek Ninja Turtles, as I originally envisioned them:

Baffling Official Merchandise - Star Trek Ninja Turtles

These “classic” characters, that exist nowhere else outside of this toyline, were released in 1994 by Playmates for no foreseeable reason that we can possibly imagine except maybe a drugged up sci-fi nerd held a toy creator hostage at gunpoint and forced him to create whatever insane shit his heroin-addled mind came up with. We imagine it went something like this:

 “So, dude, it’s the Ninja Turtles, but if they were like, Star Trek characters.”

 “Like if the Turtles were an alien race on Star Trek? Yeah that could make …”

 “No! No, dude, like, the Turtles are the characters on Star Trek.”

 “So Captain Kirk and Spock would be transformed to look like Turtles?”

 “No! You’re not listening. They’re themselves, but they’re also the characters on Star Trek.”

 “Uh …”

 “So, Leonardo’s the captain, and Donatello’s the Vulcan first officer.”

 “Wait, I thought this wasn’t Spock as a turtle.”

 “It’s not! Jesus, just pay attention! It’s Donatello, as a first officer, who is a turtle and also a Vulcan, but he’s not Spock. How difficult is that?”

 “I guess not that …”

 “And Raphael’s the medical officer.”

 “Really? The insanely violent, short-tempered, homicidally angry one? He’s the one you want stitching people up?”

 “It’s cause he’s passionate! And give them hair! This is going to look fucking stupid if they don’t have hair.”