cracked:

Scrooge McDuck labored and lost his mind in a Minecraft world years before you did.

5 Important Things You Won’t Believe Comic Books Invented

#5. Donald Duck Discovered Minecraft

Minecraft…(for those of you who don’t have 1,000 spare hours to sacrifice) is an indie game that blew up for almost inexplicable reasons in 2011. The main purposes of the game are survival, exploration, and building things out of cubes (in a world made out of cubes and as a character who is, shockingly, made out of pure anger).

It was a pretty unique idea for a game, purposely rendered in low-quality graphics, giving the virtual world a very original feel (especially for a game in 2011). And they would have really been on to something different and new if only Donald Duck hadn’t done it all first back in 1949.

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I wrote words, arranged in a humorous and appealing way, on the topic of comic book inventions. I hope you all enjoy! Cheerio!

(Seriously, this is my new article. Check it out for the lulz and I don’t know, pasta? There could be pasta, sure.)

Yes, that’s Bane’s actual henchman from the movie.

After spending the day at Toronto ComiCon today I thought it was time to throw in my two cents regarding the whole Fan Expo Sports debacle that happened earlier this week, with my pre-emptive tl;dr summary being, I don’t mind that there will be a sports expo in any way and Hobbystar should fire their marketing people.

I’ve seen a lot of hate, arguing and anger on the Facebook page for Fan Expo and online in other forums over the last few days regarding the Sports Expo and I wanted to break down why this huge announcement went over so incredibly badly in general and why us long time fans feel (kind of justifiably) slighted. First, a helpful sequence of events:

March 4 – Fan Expo announces their first confirmed guest for 2013, Richard Dean Anderson (awesome)

March 5 – Fan Expo announces via their Facebook page the following: “Be prepared. The biggest announcement in Fan Expo history will be made tomorrow morning.”

March 6 (morning): Fan Expo announces they are having the first annual Fan Expo Sports Show as part of Fan Expo this year. Reveal SEVEN huge sports guests they have lined up to appear. No other guests or events are announced.

The announcement of the Sports Expo was met with a huge backlash in the comments section of the Facebook page, mostly against, some for, and many just plain arguing about it. I’ve seen the nerd community criticized for being so angry and “elitist’ about the whole thing and while I can admit some people didn’t handle the announcement well I can totally understand the urge to immediately backlash against it because the way the announcement was handled by Hobbystar made all of us nerds and long time fans feel incredibly marginalized and neglected. Before I go any further let me put forward this hypothetical to better explain what happened from the perspective of us nerds.

Say you have a child who wants to go Disneyland and is impatiently waiting to hear from his parents whether he can go that year and what attractions there will be if they do go.

One day his parents tell him to prepare himself because they have a big surprise for him that they’ll tell him tomorrow. He stays up all night in anticipation, making the logical assumption that the surprise is about Disneyland and probably that they’re going and there is going to be bigger and better stuff than they have ever had before and he is so excited! He runs downstairs in the morning with wide eyes to hear what his parents’ surprise is.

They tell him there is a Sea World opening up next to Disneyland.

Great, he says, but what about Disneyland?

Oh, we don’t have any updates on Disneyland, his parents says, but we can tell you all about these seven great animals on display at Sea World.

He would tell his parents to go fuck themselves.

Not because he’s got anything against Sea World, but because that’s a dick way of telling him about it.

Fan Expo told their 20,000 Facebook fans of “Anime, Sci-Fi, Horror, Comics and Gaming” that they had the biggest announcement for us, ever! We spent a day having nerd fantasies of the entire cast of Avengers 2 showing up, or Joss Whedon, or any of the Doctors, or the core cast of Star Wars or SOMETHING big and nerdy and not a single, solitary person was thinking, “oh man, I hope they bring in sports.”

Yes, the announcement was big, but it was a big deal for Fan Expo, not for the fans they were currently hyping the announcement to, the fans whose expectations they built up and then completely failed to deliver on. What rubs the most salt in the wound is that they announced 7 huge confirmed guests for the Sports Expo on that same day and almost a week later still haven’t announced another single update for the nerdier portion of the show. It’s impossible not to feel immediately threatened and marginalized by this. This is a Con us nerds look forward to every year to get our geek on and technically the Sports Expo is currently seven times bigger in terms of guest appearances than the core show.

It’s not that we don’t want the Sports Expo there at all; I’m not a gamer but I would never say cut the gaming section out of Fan Expo because it doesn’t interest me. It matters to other people so of course it should be there. I would however feel a little worried if Fan Expo came out with a string of announcements about the Gaming portion of the show and had nothing to say about the rest of the Con. I would think “well, is it just a gaming expo now? Are the things I like and want to see still going to be there?” And I would keep feeling that way if they did nothing to reassure me that what I wanted to see would in fact still be there, and if I wasn’t reassured I would probably start to resent the Gamers for taking over the expo, even though I have absolutely no problem with games or gamers. It’s the same idea with the announcement of a Sports Expo.

Fan Expo has both buildings this year and more than enough space for both, and I honestly don’t believe anyone thinks any “jocks” who show up are going to cause any problems, but I do know that people get scared when they think they’re being neglected and marginalized.

If you’re going to announce a Sports Expo, fine, go ahead, that’s honestly great for people who like sports, but don’t pretend you’re doing it for the fans you already have, the ones who have been attending for years for the Sci-Fi and Gaming aspects of the Con. And don’t ignore the stuff you know we want to hear. If you’re going to announce a Sports Expo reassure us that the regular Fan Ex won’t be overshadowed, give us some sci-fi guests you’ve lined up, tell us some events you have planned. Hold us and tell us we’re pretty and you’ll never forget us. That’s all we want Fan Expo, a little acknowledgement of your long time fans and reassurance the stuff we love will still be there. And maybe fire your marketing people for having absolutely no understanding of your target audience, because they’re making it hard not to resent Sea World at this point

I feel like this is the equivalent of humans eating monkeys. Except we don’t do that.

Hawkeye doesn’t like to brag, but he had a TV show wayyyyyyyyyy before the rest of the team.

Wonder Woman showed up every now and then too. NBD.

Come on Batman, are you ever gonna let that go?

If you couldn’t tell by my mass reblogging, I have started a second blog that I am a co-writer at called Texts From Superheroes. It will be updated every second day with new texts from your favorite heroes and is going to be a lot of fun, and if we get 50 reblogs today we are going to release an extra special comic as a thank you. Trust me, it’ll be worth it.

We can be followed on Tumblr or twitter @SuperheroTexts for all your nerdy comedy needs and updates.

Your love and support is appreciated!

Wolverine, the ultimate gruff loner. Also, a member of like half a dozen teams. 

Robin and Nightwing are both in the new season of Young Justice! To celebrate you can check out my new Cracked article where I definitely don’t make them both look like creeps.

[Time to go have some unhealthy relationships.]

Via Cracked: The 6 Creepiest Sexual Encounters in Comic Book History

Excerpt: We may have mentioned a few times how comic books have mastered the art of finding new and creative ways of making sex bizarrely unappealing, even to people who read comic books. Here are some instances of superhero stories aspiring for romance but failing horrifically, like Cupid aiming his bow at a young couple but missing and hitting a choleraic orphan in the face.

Hey, I’m both those guys!

Yes Chris. We all know.

Yeah, he doesn’t like to talk about it either.

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day I browsed through my comics to find something appropriate for the occasion and naturally went to my X-Men issues with Banshee (because it’s too easy to make fun of Shamrock) and found this gem from issues 102-104 where the X-Men are in Ireland fighting Black Tom and Juggernaught and, as part of a side-story, find out that Leprechauns are totally real and kind of just never bring it up again, ever.

 [Apparently they also get their fashion tips from Peter Pan.]

After getting knocked out during the first fight, Nightcrawler is found by honest to goodness Leprechauns who just happen to live in the castle and come out to see what all the fuss is about upstairs. The Leprechauns decide to kidnap Nightcrawler to save his ass from Juggernaut, which is not an easy task for a race that’s half a foot tall.

 [Not one of you can offer a little neck support for the guy with a head injury? Geez, it’s like Leprechauns don’t even get medical training these days.]

Now, if he never regained consciousness or the Leprechauns ran away after saving him, I could forgive the X-Men for never again bringing it up that Leprechauns are real and just chilling in castles in Ireland, BUT, Nightcrawler does wake up and proceeds to save the rest of the X-Men with help from the Leprechauns, who are definitely real and don’t even make any requests like “hey, don’t tell anyone we live here in secret all right” to explain why no one talks about them.

Oh, AND Wolverine meets these tiny little guys who help them out but still nobody ever mentions it again.

[What the hell does a mythical race have to do to impress these guys? Ride in on a rainbow unicorn with Excaliber and the Holy Grail?]

At the end of the story, Juggernaut’s been defeated and we get absolutely no epilogue about what the hell was going on with this whole Leprechaun side-story, they were just kind of there, cause the story was set in Ireland, and I guess no further explanation is needed beyond that.

It’s almost like both Nightcrawler and Wolverine must have assumed they were dreaming because sure, they’re a blue demon teleporter and an immortal with a metal skeleton, but Leprechauns? That’s crazy talk!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day all!

An early design by Bruce Wayne himself for Tim Drake’s Robin costume. How did they not use the crotch-arrow redesign in the reboot? How? Everyone knows that all good side-kicks need arrows on them indicating where to kick the shit out of them.

Magneto: Born This Way

The latest asshole Batman find from the 1970’s Super-Dictionary. Still not photoshopped, here we have Batman apparently noticing for the first time that his sidekick is an immature teenage kid who has a propensity for terrible jokes and Jesus Christ does he look angry about it.  Look at his face, he is seriously pissed off, to the point where Robin is trying to sneak out of the Batcave to avoid a beating.